your thong is hanging out like whoa
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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