i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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