Dude my mom stole all your condoms
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
