In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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