Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
