I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
