I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
not ubering you a puppy
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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