the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
