U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
