i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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