Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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