i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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