New invention idea: vibrating tampons
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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