the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Randomize
