You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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