What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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