my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
