i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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