i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
