I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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