i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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