I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
