I skipped work to stalk him.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
