Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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