Your face is a jimmy john
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
