And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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