i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
