you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
