I miss vodka workout Fridays
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
