Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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