last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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