his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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