im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize