im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
