I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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