omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
