I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
