I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
