My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
