$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
