This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
