I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
