fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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