toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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