I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize