I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
