My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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