Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
