oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Plan B is the new Plan A
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
