areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
