The maid of honor just puked.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize