My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I wear drunk well.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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