The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
