Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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