I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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