It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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