i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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