who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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