FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
