I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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