Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
