I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
